That’s a perfectly normal reaction. It’s also normal and even necessary to go through a period of grieving. You need to grieve any significant loss in your life. With debilitating illnesses like FM and CFS for which there is no cure, it’s important to grieve the loss of the kind of life you had always pictured for yourself. It’s through grieving your loss that you are able to begin to build a new life. Although that life will be different than you had planned, it can be every bit as rich and fulfilling.
The journey of grieving usually involves five stages. There’s no set time frame for each stage. You may pass through one stage very quickly or even skip it. You may linger in one stage for a while or even move back and forth through different stages more than once. The crucial thing is to keep moving. While it’s important to give yourself permission to experience each stage as it comes, don’t allow yourself to get stuck in any one stage.
STAGE 1: Fear and/or Denial
Often your first reaction to a diagnosis is, “Not me! The doctor must be wrong. I’ve just been pushing myself too hard. If I take better care of myself, I’ll be fine.” You’re afraid and don’t want to believe that this could be happening to you.At this point, although you have a diagnosis, you probably have very little factual information. Your circle of family and friends may know little to nothing about your illness. Frequently you feel very alone in this stage. The best thing you can do to help yourself move through this stage is to educate yourself. Gather as much factual information about your illness as you can find and study it carefully.
STAGE 2: Anger
As the reality of how significantly your life is changing begins to settle in, you will probably be angry – angry at God for allowing this to happen to you, angry at your doctors for not diagnosing you sooner or helping you more, angry at your family, friends and employer for not understanding what you’re going through.Although anger is a normal reaction, dwelling on your anger will only increase your stress level, making you feel worse, and it will isolate you from the people you most need on your side. The most productive way to deal with anger is to channel it into determination. Set your mind to finding the treatment plan that works best for you.
STAGE 3: Bargaining
At this point you may try to “strike a deal” with God, or something similar. You might think: Maybe if you’re good enough, this will go away. It’s important to understand at this stage that your illness is not a punishment for something you’ve done wrong. It is simply one of many diseases that are a part of life here on earth.STAGE 4: Depression
When the reality of your condition sets in, it is not unusual to experience some degree of depression. Your lifestyle is probably changing and you may no longer be able to do some of the things you once enjoyed. Your once hopeful future may seem like a big blank space with a gigantic question mark at the end of it. It’s perfectly normal to feel depressed over these changes. Who wouldn’t?This is often the stage that is most difficult to move through. Depression brings with it feelings of hopelessness and a substantial decrease in energy. You may feel like going to bed, pulling the covers over your head and waiting for the world to go away. You wonder how you can possibly face the rest of your life with this illness.
The first thing to remember is that you are going to have some good days and some bad days. The more you learn how to take care of yourself and which treatment options help you the most, the more good days you will have.
If your depression is severe or you are feeling suicidal, please talk with your doctor. You may have a chemical imbalance that can be helped with medication. And don’t hesitate to seek counseling. It can really make a difference to have someone help you work through the changes and challenges you are facing.
Your life may not be what you expected but it can be good. In fact, when all is said and done, it may actually turn out to be better than you imagined.
STAGE 5: Acceptance and Re-evaluation
Acceptance is not resignation. It is understanding – understanding that your life will be different, but that different can be good; understanding that you can accept your illness without becoming your illness; understanding that your life can still have a positive and productive purpose.At this stage, it’s time to re-evaluate your life and your lifestyle. When you were healthy you were able to participate in a variety of activities that interested you. Now your energy and physical abilities are limited. Many things in life will catch your eye or spark your interest, but only a few will capture your heart. Now it’s time to focus on what captures your heart. Pursue your passion. Let the other things go. Spend your time and limited energy on what is most important to you. If you do that, you will find your life to be more rewarding and full of purpose than you ever dreamed possible!
You are a unique and special individual, and you will progress through this grieving process in your own way and at your own pace. There is no “right” way to grieve. There is no timetable. Look at each stage as a learning process and a step of personal growth. Then once you’ve made it into that final stage of acceptance, you can begin to manage your illness instead of letting your illness manage you.
Sources:
“The Stages of Grief.” Memorial Hospital. Towanda, Pennsylvania
“Grief: A Natural Response to Loss.” University of Nebraska Medical Center. Jan. 2003
