Dating With Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

As far as my personal situation goes, there is no such thing as casual dating since having CFIDS and Fibro. It takes too much energy to try to “cover” my limitations without getting into a long conversation about what the illness is and what it could mean for my life. Also, since the XMRV link, information about whether it could be sexually transmitted makes casual relationships that much trickier as well.

I’ve been on a couple casual dates in the last year and things just don’t move forward because I know I don’t have the energy to just be someone i am not… which in some cases is really great because I don’t want to waste time and energy on someone I’m not meant to be with. It’s better to hold out for the relationship that comes easy, out of love and respect. I don’t mind being single at all. I’m 25 and looking for the love of my life, not someone to just keep me entertained on a saturday night.

Jenny, thank you for your post. I have wondered how
someone, single with this illness, and I have lyme also,
handles dating or if they do date. So I was glad to read
what you had to say. I’ve also found out I have the
XMRV in addition. I have some very good days and I do
miss having a man/partner. I’m a ’senior’. But I do see
that regardless of age, it’s important to be honest. I
told one person up front I had the lyme, and he was not
at all understanding. He said, ‘you can catch that’ and
that was that. I need to keep a good outlook. He
obviously wasn’t the one for me. And I am fortunate to
have some very good woman friends to socialize with.
Good luck to you as well.

I did not start dating with CFS, but at the age of 61, my wife and I seperated soon after I under went surgery for Prostate Cancer. The side effects of surgery can be quite devstating for a man’s ego. Erectile dysfunction, penile shrinkage and the possiblity of incontinence.
I decided to tell my dates about my problems. I dated many women, may be I was lucky that the women that I was dating were understanding, but I never had any negative feed back about my honesty.
Four years ag I met a woman and we have been living together since. For the last year I am experiencing severe CFS, butpartnership is strong enough. Also she has her own health problems.
I found that being honest worked for me.
You can read of my experiences at http://www.Shalomprostate.co.il and click on English.

I’ve been interested in a very, very nice man for a couple of years and all indications are that it’s mutual. And it’s practically a miracle to find an available man in my age range; they’re all dead or taken. But I keep chickening out on saying anything because I don’t know if I would have the capacity to follow through. He’s one of my doctors, so I don’t know if he hasn’t initiated anything because of professional ethics about not hitting on a patient, or if he’s “just not that into me”. I keep wondering if I’m being wise or if I’m missing the last boat that might ever sail past my pier.

In addition to the normal energy drain of being with other people in any context (staying upright, trying to navigate through brain fog to hold up your end of conversation, etc.), the prospect of having sex again is just overwhelming. As Maria Shriver said on “Oprah”: “I never realized how much energy sex requires! It’s EXHAUSTING!!” And Maria is an exceptionally healthy person as far as we know. Sigh.

You have to be honest because the energy it takes to keep your illness a secret isn’t worth it. I have been married for 10 years (got married at 36) and my husband is still understanding of my CFS. I told him on our second date, I didn’t apologize and I didn’t let it get in our way. Our dates consisted mainly of movies and dinner at home, lunch out because I get tired early or just hanging out at a coffee bar. In order to find the right person you have to start by finding the nice boys or girls; someone who knows how to care about others. Don’t give up. You can find love and happiness.

for too long i have been suffering from stiff joints. after i was told abotu FB and read more it was so easy for me to tell my partners. my experience was different because they all seem to feel petty for me. i hated that and they were scared that the condition will also affect my children. i end up hating to have children, anyway i never taught of having one as i had suffered in pain all of my life. when i was 9yrs i had poly arthritis and when i was growing up i got worse so i knew from the start that it will be difficult for me to have children.

about 3 relationship that i had all of the end because my boyfriend will make children from othe girl while we still dating. it was really hurting but i knew for sure that i’m the one who do have proble. to me it;s just a blessing cause they don’t marry those girls

i reallity it is hard and painful to leave with this condition but it need one to understand his or her own situation.

my relieve was to turn to God cause he Loves me unconditional.
guyz hear me out i;m not comlaining but sharing.

you cannot believe even right now i’m in pain difficult to walk but because of you i know i’m not alone

I haven’t dated since having FM (3 years now) mainly because my health and personal life have been so tumultuous. It’s just been one thing after another. I just moved away from a bad family situation and now am pretty isolated from my family. I started a little garden in front of my apartment (mostly herbs, but also a tomato plant, sugar snap peas, artichokes and sunflowers), and a neighbor started talking to me. The next day he knocked on my door asking for something and I told him point-blank that I hoped he wasn’t flirting with me because I just couldn’t deal with that right now, I have too much going on in my life. I was pretty blunt, but not mean about it. I think people look at me and think I’m doing okay (you know what I mean “but you don’t LOOK sick!!) and I keep active doing what I can as I can. If things ever slow down for me maybe I’ll date, but I’m educated and cosmopolitan by interests and background, but I’m in a low-income situation now, so I think what will be a major barrier to finding someone. But overall, I’m not dissatisfied being single. It would be nice to have a friend or someone I could share with, but even a close girl friend (I’m female) would be nice for the camaraderie.

I met my husband on a dating site 6 years ago , I told him I have fibro before we met face to face , I told him how bad it gets when I’m in a flare , he said he would be supportive and he has been , the main reason I told him from the beginning is because I did not want to get attached to a person and have him walk away later , I have enough pain as it is , also pride comes into it , this is how I am take it or leave it attitude I suppose , of course I am 63 , he is 2 years younger and very healthy so far but he needs me in other ways lucky for me he was mature enough to know this from the beginning , the one thing he will not do is help around the house nor cook , but he does not complain if things don’t get done , I guess we can’t have it all

Wow, I am so happy for you finding someone. I too have tried online dating sites, but it always happens that after we have been talking quite a while and I bring the subject up, that they vanish. It seems all the guys are looking for Miss Perfect although they expect we females to “Accept me for who I am.” I am 56 now and alsode from my service dog, Stryker, the phone doesn’t ring, no one knocks on my door and there are no more messages. And I came to the point that I just walked away, closed my heart off and focus on moment ot moment. I have moved on. And those times I catch myself thinking or looking I snap myself out of it and stop it. I hurt enough physically without adding emotional along with it. I wonder though how many of us CF/FM-ers have made the same choice.

At 67, I have pretty much given up on the idea that I will meet someone I could have an intimate (in all senses) relationship with. Even if I did meet someone, explaining the fibro is a momentous effort just with friends — and there are quite a few that still don’t believe me. I’m told — ‘I know how you feel because I get tired cleaning my house.’ or ‘I can’t imagine anyone so tired that they don’t want to (insert event here).’ or ‘It’s all in your imagination. If you just take (insert herbal med here).’ I guess I sound pretty negative and I apologize for that. I’ve just accepted the idea of being alone as reality — I really wish it didn’t have to be that way.

Thank you for your post Deborah. I can relate to what
you’re saying. I’m the same age as you. I have had
several dates this last year via the internet. I don’t
have fibro but CFS and such. So. I know what you mean
about the explaining. First, I want to meet the person
and see what they’re like. I don’t feel obliged to explain
to someone if I don’t feel it will go anywhere. I was sur-
prised when one man shared about his heart condition.
I’m finding that men have their health challenges too.
I’m getting an education but I haven’t met that special
someone. I appreciate what you had to say.

When I first started feeling so bad, I thought I was dying…I went to my Dr. and he ran every test known to man, it seemed. Then he sent me to a rhuemy who diagnosed me immediately. I was 42 years old and married to my 2nd husband. He thought I was just being lazy, and didn’t want to take care of my kids, my house or my job. I was a strong independent woman with 2 boys, a full-time and part-time job, my own car and house when he met me.
After a mental breakdown from being with this unfeeling bozo..I left him.
I met a man 4 years ago, when I was 44. I told him on our 3rd date that I had fibro, and that I had days where I just couldn’t get up and go..literally!
He was wonderful. He said he would not let that stop him from getting to know me better, and now 4 yrs later, we are still together.
He is a real “Mans Man’…loves hunting, fishing, 4-wheelin’ in the mountains..you name it! He understands when I am not feeling well, and sometines will go do things with friends, but mostly waits it out with me, til I feel better.
We just got back from a great weekend in Talladega, AL. We went up for the NASCAR race. Neither one of us had ever been to one before. We had a blast!..but I had to get to bed early each night we were there (3), he said he would go when I went, but we were with about 14 other people at a friends house. I told him to stay up and have fun, I went to bed. I did manage to stay up til midnight the first night, but made sure I got plenty of rest the night before the big race.
Turns out that was a GOOD thing…we had to walk about 1/2 mile to the track, and then climb up the grandstand to within 4 rows from the top!!! Needless to say..once I was up there I didn’t come down til the race was over! My bladder was about to burst, but I had a ball! When we drove back home the next day, I was in alot of pain, but took my meds, slept for 12 hours straight and hobbled around here til today!

We can’t let fibro interupt our lives, maybe just put it on hold for a little while here and there. We have Fibro..it doesn’t have us..we cannot let “it’ win!

I’m really sorry for anyone who has to go through CFS. I have question about the disease and their ability to care for children with this disease. My sister-in-law was diagnose with CFS and went on disability. She says that she is too sick to hold a job, cook or clean and she needs her husband to cook, clean and financially care for her. A couple of years after she was diagnose with CFS, she had a baby. The child is now 4 years old and she is the primary caretaker. She takes their child to horse backing riding lessons, swimming lessons, soccer practice, piano lessons and she home schools the child. Taking care of child is a full-time job, I think it’s harder than holding a traditional job. After reading about CFS, it seems that anyone who has CFS would be too ill to raise a child. Is that true? This question isn’t to defend anyone who has CFS or another person who has another disability, I’m just trying to understand the disease.

an,
This is an excellent question. I am diagnosed with FMS myself, and I have posed this question to myself many times. I am only 23 years old, but I feel about 80. I have always wanted a family, and have had concerns that maybe I should not due to my FMS. I however, refuse to not work. It’s hard, thats for sure. I could easily go on diability and such, and maybe someday I will have to, but I don’t want to…and I honestly don’t know how I would get by day to day just lying around with nothing to do. And I believe that because I work, and function, hard as it may be, I would like to one day have a family. However, I don’t know where I will be in 5 years. I could say, that if you cannot work, you likely shouldn’t raise a child…however, while being in incredible pain, you can easily lose your motivation to work…however I won’t say its impossible, but much less likely to lose your ambition to raise and care for a child you brought into the world. She has the luxury to not work, but as a mother, you never have the luxury of not caring for your child. If she is taking care of the child appropraitly, then it is not an issue…if the child suffers because of the mothers CFS, then you need to address it with both parents, at that time, and that time only.

Hey kermitgoespostal I know exactly how you feel. I am a 22 year old male and I always thought I’d have a family someday until I came down with chronic fatigue 4 yrs ago. its tough. I’m taking classes now but Im afraid someday I might have to file for disability because I dont know if I can find the perfect job that would understand and be accepting to my condition. anyway, I wish you the best. God Bless

Not into daily email but your experiences are heartwarmIng.
In a 10-year frIendship withh s wonderful, blunt lady, concerned about communicability of cfs but at 62 would like a home with someone else in it which seems to require an ultimatum. Don’t think productive relationships benefit from ultimatums, but sometImes one-sided relationships can end on one.

Hi all,
I am a 46 year old single mum who has sufferred with CFS for 25 years. My son is 13 and I had him because I was married and felt I had enough support from my husband.
Sadly, after 3 months of my son being born my husband left me. I couldnt work and was alone with no help from family. I knew I could sink or swim. I decided right then I was going to swim and that is what I have done. There have been many times I have gone under but as my child grew he became understanding to my condition and now we work as a team. Various men have come and gone but none can cope with my illness. I am beginning to think I will always be single now but I have the love of a wonderful son. I look back at the journey we have been on together and I feel so proud that I have got this far despite how tough it has been. Yes it is possible to be a mum with CFS but it’s not easy believe me!