The majority of us with fibromyalgia (FMS) and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS or ME/CFS) are women -- about 60% with ME/CFS, and 90% with FMS. Today, in honor of Father's Day, I want to take a moment to look at the men with these conditions.
I wouldn't say that chronically ill men have it worse than chronically ill women, but they do have different challenges. Psychologically, men tend to be "fixers." You present them with a problem and they want to fix it and move on. Also, no matter how enlightened they may be, men in our society face more pressure than women to be the breadwinner. And then, of course, there's the still-pervasive machismo attitude regarding what makes a "true man."
To all the men out there with FMS or ME/CFS -- dads or not -- I hope you have families and friends who support and don't judge; I hope you have doctors who can diagnose you properly instead of thinking of these as "women's conditions"; I hope you're not too hard on yourself if you can't live up to society's expectations of you. Know that it's not weak to get help when you need it. I hope you're well enough to enjoy this Father's Day.
For those of you who care about a man with FMS or ME/CFS, please take a moment to leave a comment about what he means to you.
Photo © Andersen Ross/Getty Images
On behalf of all CFS dads, thank you very much, Adrienne!
I personally haven’t heard any sentiments about “women conditions” expressed to me, though I suppose it can be comforting if the presence of us males out there drives home the point to some more people that it is not some kind of whining disease (as unnecessary as that should be for women to have to prove as well).
And CFS indeed does not play well with the fixer/bread-winner drive, nor on the other hand does it play well with the demands of a however more enlightened age to be actively engaged and playing with your kids, etc.
But, it certainly doesn’t fit well with the even greater demands of most mothers, so our hats to those of you handling that already most challenging job! But again, thanks for taking time to recognize our situation as well…
Hello,
as a Dad with CFS/M.E, thank you for writing this.
Society’s expectations need, umm, managing differently in my experience. The condition is viewed as feminine in my experience and men do seen to be viewed as shirking more readily than females with the same condition.
CFS/M.E saw me lose:-
my job
my enjoyment from a lot of things
my self esteem
the gym
control over certain aspects of my life
my concentration
my ability to write
But hey, two great kids, a loving wife and home made father’s day cards make it all go away.
Mark
Twitter: @mrkchmbrs
As a male with Fibromyalgia I can tell you that most men do not understand what the condition is and some even see it as a weakness. For myself it has been difficult to explain and more times than not I simply keep quite about it. It is hard at times, especially when I sleep during my lunch hour, or spend far to long in the rest room with IBS. I’ve been accused (in jest) more than once of being hung-over when in reallity I would have traded for a hangover in no time flat. My best defense has been to take things one day at a time. God willing there will be a cure one day.
Some very nice words for all the guys out there struggling with CFS/ME. One of the toughest things I see my CFS/ME patients deal with is the drastic, forced change to self image/concept. Work life and physicality (strength, sport, etc) are two very important parts of a male persona and unfortunately these two areas nearly always get hammered by CFS/ME. One of my patients was a semi-pro football player when he became ill – he’s had to psychologically re-invent himself!
Keep battling guys.